I have, for a long time, used a program that randomly selects one of these sayings
each day as a trailing comment at the end of my e-mails. Here is the full list for the
enjoyment of anybody who enjoys such silliness.
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The first two laws of thermodynamics:
1) You can't win, you can only break even
2) You can't break even
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You can't spell GEEK without a double E
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"The physician can bury his mistakes but the architect can only advise his
client to plant vines." -Frank Lloyd Wright
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There are three types of people, those who can count and those who can't.
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5 out of 4 people have trouble with fractions.
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There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start and so on...
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74% of statistics are incorrect
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The worst thing about censorship is __________
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You must believe in free will.
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Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
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Few plan to fail but many fail to plan.
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"You can always tell a Harvard man but you can't tell him much."
-James Barnes
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"Young men think old men are fools but old men know young men are fools."
-George Chapman
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"Don't let gravity get you down." -Albert Einstein
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"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
-Albert Einstein
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An empty bag can not stand upright
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"The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the
human bladder." -Alfred Hitchcock
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"Free speech is the right to shout 'theater' in a crowded fire."
-Abbie Hoffman
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"We've all been blessed with God-given talents. Mine just happens to be
beating up people." -Sugar Ray Leonard
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"You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some
of the time but you can't fool all of the people all of the time."
-Abe Lincoln (1809-65)
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"The sexual revolution is over and the microbes won." -P. J. O'Rourke
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"Republicans believe every day is the 4th of July but Democrats believe
every day is April 15th." -Ronald Reagan
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"How do you tell a Communist? Well it's someone who reads Marx and Lenin.
And how do you tell an anti-Communist? It's someone who understands Marx
and Lenin." -Ronald Reagan
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"There are ten million interesting people in New York and only
seventy-eight in Los Angeles." -Neil Simon
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"The coldest winter I ever spent was summer in San Francisco." -Mark Twain
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"I disapprove of what you say but I will defend to the death your right to
say it." -Voltaire
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"No one can give you better advice than yourself." -Cicero
"The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of any
use to oneself." -Oscar Wilde
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When told, 'I have a bet that I can make you say three words,' Calvin
Coolidge replied, "You lose."
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"Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being
governed by those who are dumber." -Plato
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"The trouble with heart disease is that the first symptom is often hard to
deal with: sudden death." -Michael Phelps M.D.
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"One death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic." -Joseph Stalin
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"They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me
sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days."
-Garrison Keillor
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"You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap." -Dolly Parton
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"I've been on a calendar but never on time." -Marilyn Monroe
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"It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen." -Mamie Van Doren
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"You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake." -Jeanette Rankin
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If women can sleep their way to the top then we have an epidemic of insomnia
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"Age is something that doesn't matter unless you are a cheese."
-Billie Burke
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"The most popular labor saving device is still money." -Phyllis George
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"Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not
committing them?" -Jules Feiffer
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"Let each of us ask not just what government can do for me but what I can do
for myself." -Richard Nixon
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"Let us never negotiate out of fear, but let us never fear to negotiate."
-John F. Kennedy
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"There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full."
-Henry Kissinger
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"I have often thought that if there had been a good rap group around in
those days, I might have chosen a new career in music instead of politics."
-Richard Nixon
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Light travels faster than sound which explains why some people appear bright
until they start talking.
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The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.
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Post hole digger is the only profession in which you start at the top and
work down.
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"History's no easy subject. Even in my day it wasn't, and we had so much
less of it to learn." -Ronald Reagan
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"I've had a tough time learning how to act like a congressman. Today I
accidentally spent some of my own money." -Joseph Kennedy
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"McGovern couldn't carry the South if Rhett Butler were his running mate."
-Sprio Agnew
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"Problems are opportunities in work clothes." -Henry Kissinger
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"Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut save
you 30 cents?" -Peg Bracken
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The problem with being punctual is that there's no one there to appreciate
it.
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A conservative is a liberal who has been mugged.
A liberal is a conservative who has been arrested.
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"Blues isn't about being happy, it's about making other people sad."
-Bleeding Gums Murphy (The Simpsons)
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"For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone
calls taper off." -Johnny Carson
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"People with ten million dollars are no happier than people with nine
million dollars." -Hobart Brown
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"Ancestry is important to those who have done nothing themselves."
-Louis L'Amour
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If only I had a little humility, I would be perfect
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"George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments
of youth; he could not tell a lie." -Mark Twain
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"In Libya, we have banned wrestling and boxing because they are violent
sports. How can we support terrorism when we have banned wrestling and
boxing?" -M. Khadaffi
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"A text, out of context, is a pretext." -Jesse Jackson
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"Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind."
-Albert Einstein
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"If you can't say something nice about a dead person don't say it. Well, I
consider him dead." -Justice Thurgood Marshall on George Bush
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"Why are our days numbered, and not, say, lettered?" -Woody Allen
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"Television news is to journalism as bumper stickers are to philosophy."
-Richard Nixon
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"We should declare war on North Vietnam. We could pave the whole country
and put parking stripes on it, and still be home by Christmas."
-Ronald Regan
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"Politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to
understand the game... and dumb enough to think it's important."
-Eugene McCarthy
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"That Edison or Lincoln could have been Edison or Lincoln after four years
of Harvard is improbable." -Arthur Brisbane
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The bigger a man's head gets the easier it is to fill his shoes
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There are not enough hours in a day but too many days until Saturday.
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"What counts is not necessarily the size of the dog in the fight -- it's the
size of the fight in the dog." -Mark Twain (1835-1910)
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"Sometimes I think we're alone in the universe, and sometimes I think we're
not. In either case, the idea is quite staggering." -Arthur C. Clarke
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"The mistake a lot of politicians make is forgetting they've been appointed
and thinking they've been anointed." -Ms. Claude Pepper
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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your
life." -Brooke Shields
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"I will feel quality has arrived when we can elect to office women who are
as incompetent as some of the men who are already there." -Maureen Reagan
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Ignorance doesn't kill you, but it makes you sweat a lot.
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Committee: A group of people who keep minutes and waste hours
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"Today's Democrat spends money like a drunken sailor. Only that's not fair
to drunken sailors. At least they spend their own money." -Ronald Reagan
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Even God cannot alter the past, but historians can
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"The art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one
class and giving it to another." -Voltaire
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"Facts are stupid things." -Ronald Reagan
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"If Republicans stop telling lies about the Democrats we will stop telling
the truth about them." -Adlai Stevenson
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There are 180 degrees between the freezing and boiling temperature of water.
There are 180 degrees between north and south. Coincidence?
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You can not push yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
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"Wise men talk because they have something to say, fools talk because they
have to say something." -Plato
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"The time is always right to do right." -Martin Luther King
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"We should never forget that everything Adolph Hitler did in Germany was
legal and everything the Hungarian Freedom Fighters did in Hungary was
illegal." -Martin Luther King Jr.
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"You measure democracy by the freedom it gives its dissidents, not the
freedom it gives its assimilated conformists." -Abbie Hoffman
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If electricity comes from electrons, then where does morality come from?
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"The middle of the road is where the white line is, and that's the worst
place to drive." -Robert Frost
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"All over the world the power of communism is being threatened, from Poland
to China to Massachusetts." -Mark Russell
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"Where else but in Washington could they call the department that's in
charge of everything outside and out-of-doors the Department of the
Interior." -Ronald Reagan
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"Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not
original, and the part that is original is not good." -Samuel Johnson
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"You have to have at least one pervert per show or you can't survive out
there." -Phil Donahue
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"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler."
-Albert Einstein
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"Physics is knowing when to approximate sin(t)=t." -David Delchamps
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If pros and cons are opposites, what's the opposite of progress?
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I'm not as think as you drunk I am
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"Gaiety is the outstanding feature of the Soviet Union." -Josef Stalin
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The earth is like a grain of sand only much, much, much bigger.
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"I'm not kidding about Ted Kennedy. How many sixty-year olds do you know
who still go to Florida for spring break?" -Pat Buchanan
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"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house."
-Zsa Zsa Gabor
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"A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he
has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad."
-Teddy Roosevelt
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"You are not thinking. You are merely being logical."
-Neils Bohr to Albert Einstein
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"I can't believe we are going to let a majority of the people decide what's
best for this state." -Rep. John Travis of Jackson, LA
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"We're working on getting rid of unnecessary regulations and making them
more sensible." -Bill Clinton
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"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
-David Dinkens, NYC mayor (when accused of failing to pay his income taxes)
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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
the country." -Marion Barry
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"He didn't say that. He was reading what was given to him in a speech."
-Richard Darman, director of OMB (explaining why Bush wasn't following up on
campaign pledge to preserve wetlands)
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"Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of
something else anyway."
-Othal Brand, Texas Pesticide Review Board on chlordane
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"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them
unsafe." -Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
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"I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly
underpolluted." -Lawrence Summers,
World Bank chief economist explaining why we should export toxic waste
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"After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the
school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David
Steele to the post." -Philip Streifer, Superintendent
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Politics: n. [Poly "many" + tics "blood-sucking parasites"]
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"I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools.
Let's start with typewriters." -Solomon Short
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"An unsupervised teenager with a modem is just as dangerous as an
unsupervised teenager with a gun." -Gail Thackeray, Asst. State Attorney, AZ
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"Gun control means hitting the target. Crime control means identifying,
arresting, prosecuting, and imprisoning with due process of law."
-Tom Clancy
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"It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech."
-Mark Twain
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"Think today's interest rates are high? The Pilgrims borrowed $7000 from a
London company of 70 investors in 1620 and devoted the next 23 years to
repaying it at 43 percent." -L. M. Boyd
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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
-Winston Bennett, U of KY bball forward
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"Are you any relation to your brother Marv?"
-Leon Wood, NJ Nets guard to a TV commentator
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"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."
-Dizzy Dean, after being hit on the head in the '34 World Series
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"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."
-Groucho Marx
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"I must confess, I was born at a very early age." -Groucho Marx
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"Time wounds all heels." -Groucho Marx
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"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted." -Groucho Marx
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"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too
dark to read." -Groucho Marx
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"Either you're part of the solution or you're part of the precipitate."
-Steven Wright
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"I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out." -Steven Wright
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"Don't be so humble - you are not that great."
-Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat
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"Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts
can be counted." -Albert Einstein
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"Egotist: A person more interested in himself than in me."
-Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
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"Any man who is under 30 and is not a liberal has no heart; and any man that
is over 30 and is not a conservative has no brains." -Winston Churchill
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"The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of
a profound truth may well be another profound truth."
-Neils Bohr (1885-1962)
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"In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by
everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the
exact opposite" -Paul Dirac (1902-1984)
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"I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to."
-Elvis Presley
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"If I were two faced, would I be wearing this one?
-Abraham Lincoln (1809 - 1865)
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"You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word
alone." -Al Capone (1899-1947)
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"It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man."
-Professor Scott Elledge, upon retiring from Cornell
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"Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance." -Plato (427-347 B. C.)
"Plato was a bore." -Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)
"Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal." -Leo Tolstoy (1828-1910)
"I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy."
-Ernest Hemingway (1889-1961)
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Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research
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When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing.
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"Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for
those people who can't remember where they leave things." -Frank Zappa
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"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
-Charles H. Duell, U.S. Patent Office, 1899
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"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
-Thomas Watson, chariman of IBM, 1943
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"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
-Popular Mechanics, 1949
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"But what... is it good for?"
-IBM Engineer, 1968, commenting on the microchip
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"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
-Ken Olson, president and founder of DEC, 1977
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"640k ought to be enough for anybody." -Bill Gates, 1981
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"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay
for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
-David Sarnoff, 1920s, about radio
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"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better
than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
-Yale Professor's response to Fred Smith's paper proposing a reliable
overnight service. (Smith went to to found Fed Ex Corp.)
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"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" -H. M. Warner, Warner Bros., 1927
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"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary
Cooper." -Gary Cooper, on declining the lead in "Gone With The Wind"
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"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
-Decca Recording Co., 1962, rejecting the Beatles
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"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
-Irving Fisher, Yale University 1929
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"For the majority of people, smoking has a beneficial effect."
-Dr. Ian G. MacDonald, 1963
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186,282 miles per second, not just a good idea, it's the law.
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ASCII stupid questions and you'll get stupid ANSI.
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Real programmers use 'COPY CON PROGRAM.EXE'
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Without C we'd have to program in BASI and PASAL.
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Cry hammock, and let slip the dogs of work.
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Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
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Ignorance is temporary, stupidity is forever.
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A skeleton walks into a the bar. He orders a drink and a mop.
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"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry." -Rita Rudner
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"The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second
day you're off it." -Jackie Gleason
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"Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but
when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window."
-Steve Bluestone
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"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
anybody going faster than you is a maniac." -George Carlin
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"I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain." -Carol Leifer
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Those who think they know everything are irritating to those of us who do.
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"The less you know about home computers, the more you'll want the new IBM
PS/1." -A real IBM ad in the Edmonton Journal
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Edison thought a watt about electricity
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Straight A students are up to know good.
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"The most beautiful thing about a tree is what you do with it after you cut
it down." -Rush Limbaugh
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"All I know is I'm not a Marxist." -Karl Marx
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"Obviously crime pays, or there'd be no crime." -G. Gordon Liddy
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"The Police are not here to create disorder, they're here to preserve
disorder." -Chicago Mayor Daley
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"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
-Australian Cabinet Minister Keppel Enderbery
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It is bad luck to be superstitious.
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"The president has kept all the promises he intended to keep."
-George Stephanopolous
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"Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them." -Samuel Palmer
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A day without sunshine is like night.
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Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
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Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
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He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
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Honk if you love peace and quiet.
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He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
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"My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me."
-Benjamin Disraeli (1804-81)
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"All publicity is good, except an obituary notice."
-Brendan Behan (1923-64), Irish playwright
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I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem, pal.
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Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to
myself, "Where is the ceiling?"
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Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will show you a man
who can't remove his pants.
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"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a
very narrow field." -Niels Bohr (1885-1962)
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"Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy
driving taxicabs and cutting hair." -George Burns (1896-1996)
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"Blues is easy to play, but hard to feel." -Jimi Hendrix (1942-70)
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"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
-Lily Tomlin
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"When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not
hereditary." -Thomas Paine (1737-1809), Common Sense, ch 4 (1776)
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"I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much more concerned to know what
his grandson will be." -Abraham Lincoln (1809-65)
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"When I give a man an office, I watch him carefully to see whether he is
swelling or growing." -Woodrow Wilson (1856-1924)
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Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
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If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
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Why do they put Braille dots on the key pads of the drive-up ATM machine?
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Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
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Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
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Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
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Why is it that when you transport something by car it's called a shipment,
but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
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Why don't sheep shrink in the rain?
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Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?
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If fire fighters fight fire, and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom
fighters fight?
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Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
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Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
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"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts for support rather than
illumination." -Andrew Lang (1844-1912), Scottish author
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"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."
-11 year old's science exam
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"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water" -11 year old's science exam
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"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin.
Hydrogin is gin and water." -11 year old's science exam
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"Blood flows down one leg and up the other." -11 year old's science exam
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"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
-11 year old's science exam
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"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
-11 year old's science exam
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Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot
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"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
-11 year old's science exam
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"The true Republic: men, their rights and nothing more; women, their rights
and nothing less." -Susan B. Anthony (1820-1906)
Motto printed on the front of her suffrage newspaper
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good
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Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
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Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
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Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.
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Don't keep such an open mind that your brain falls out.
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Support your right to bare arms. Wear short sleeves.
|
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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Black holes are where God divided by zero.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
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"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to
do it. It takes too long." -Leo, 7
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"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time.
-Christine, 9
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"Work is the curse of the drinking class." -Oscar Wilde
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"Time is that quality of nature which keeps events from happening all at
once." -Albert Einstein
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Let's burn that bridge when we come to it.
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"It's getting late earlier." -Yogi Berra
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"I've never met a human being who would want to read 17,000 pages of
documentation, and if there was, I'd kill him to get him out of the gene
pool." -Joseph Costello, former president of Cadence
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Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
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Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
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For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
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Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
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If at first you do succeed, try not to look surprised.
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Diplomacy: the art of letting someone have your way
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The mission of the Department of Redundancy Department is to stamp out and
eradicate superfluous redundancy.
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2 + 2 = 5 for large values of 2
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Windows: Just another pane in the glass
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Real programmers don't comment. If it was hard to write, it should be hard
to understand.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
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Remember, half the people you know are below average.
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
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The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
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|
"The most exciting phrase in science, the one that heralds new discoveries,
is not 'Eureka' but 'that's funny'" -Isaac Asimov
|
|
Cogito ergo spud. I think, therefore I yam.
|
|
To err is human, to purr feline.
|
|
Flies spread disease. Keep yours zipped.
|
|
Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
|
|
"Football combines two of the worst things about American life. It is
violence punctuated by committee meetings." -George Will
|
|
Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard drive?
|
|
Linux, the choice of a GNU generation
|
|
God is real, unless declared integer.
|
|
Never play leap frog with a unicorn.
|
|
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
|
|
"Sure thing, man, I used to be a laboratory myself once."
-Keith Richards on being asked to autograph a fan's school chemistry book
|
|
Que sera serf: Life is feudal.
|
|
"There is no such thing as a learned man, only a learning one." -Ezra Pound
|
|
"I hate quotations." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
|
|
For every complex problem, there is a solution which is simple, neat, and
wrong
|
|
Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.
|
|
"If we do not succeed then we run the risk of failure." -Dan Quayle
|
|
I know that life isn't fair, but why is it never unfair in my favor?
|
|
Linux: Saving us all from the Gates of Hell
|
|
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
|
|
"Do not needlessly endanger your lives until I give you the signal."
-Dwight D. Eisenhower
|
|
You can't take something off the internet. It's like taking pee out of a
pool.
|
|
"The mark of a good conspiracy theory is its untestability." -Andrew Spring
|
|
"The difference between Republicans and Democrats is like the difference
between syphilis and gonorrhea." -Rita Mae Brown
|
|
"There are only two kinds of women -- goddesses and doormats."
-Pablo Picasso
|
|
"Self-denial is indulgence of a propensity to forgo." -Ambrose Bierce
|
|
There's no saint without a past and no sinner without a future
|
|
I think we are in for a bad spell of wether.
|
|
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Some poems rhyme. But this one doesn't.
|
|
Television: A medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.
|
|
Is the glass half empty, half full, or twice as large as it needs to be?
|
|
Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite.
|
|
"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In
practice, there is." -Yogi Berra
|
|
That was Zen. This is Tao.
|
|
There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
|
|
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -Groucho Marx
|
|
"Any fool can make a rule, and every fool will mind it."
-Henry David Thoreau
|
|
"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore." -Yogi Berra
|
|
"I don't want to make the wrong mistake." -Yogi Berra
|
|
"When you come to a fork in the road, take it." -Yogi Berra
|
|
"A long dispute means that both parties are wrong." -Voltaire
|
|
"Originality is nothing but judicious plagiarism." -Voltaire
|
|
"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education." -Mark Twain
|
|
"If you can't sleep, try lying on the end of the bed. Then you might drop
off." -Mark Twain
|
|
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of
eighty and gradually approach eighteen." -Mark Twain
|
|
"The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated." -Mark Twain
|
|
"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms." -Groucho Marx
|
|
"I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago... I shot my broker."
-Groucho Marx
|
|
"Whenever I hear any one arguing for slavery I feel a strong impulse to see
it tried on him personally." -Abraham Lincoln
|
|
"A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?"
-Albert Einstein
|
|
"The absent are never without fault, nor the present without excuse."
-Benjamin Franklin
|
|
"Don't you like to write letters? I do because it's such a swell way to keep
from working and yet feel you've done something." -Ernest Hemingway
|
|
"Ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which we will not
put." -Winston Churchill
|
|
"In this world nothing is certain but death and taxes." -Benjamin Franklin
"The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse
every time Congress meets." -Will Rogers
|
|
"The best weapon against an enemy is another enemy." -Friedrich Nietzsche
|
|
"By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may get to be a boss and work
twelve hours a day." -Robert Frost
|
|
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
|
|
Some are wise and some otherwise
|
|
The first scientists who studied fog were mistified.
|
|
Many campaign promises are sound. Just sound.
|
|
Red ship crashes into blue ship - sailors marooned.
|
|
People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.
|
|
Make headlines, use a corduroy pillow.
|
|
Now that congress is abolishing the marriage tax, they will be increasing
the sin tax.
|
|
Q: If the devil lost his tail, where could he find a new one?
A: At a store where they retail spirits.
|
|
Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan.
|
|
The Psychic Friends Network has filed for bankruptcy. They say they never
saw it coming.
|
|
Doctors tell us there are seven million people who are overweight.
These, of course, are round figures.
|
|
I used to work at the orange juice factory, but I couldn't concentrate so
they canned me.
|
|
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
|
|
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
|
|
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
|
|
Sign posted in a men's room: We aim to please. You aim too, please.
|
|
Witch Parking, all others will be toad.
|
|
One who runs in front of a car gets tired.
One who runs behind a car gets exhausted.
|
|
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
|
|
"There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming
an endangered synthetic." -Lily Tomlin
|
|
"Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees."
-Ronald Reagan
|
|
"There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics." -Disraeli
|
|
If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
|
|
"It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either."
-Kevin White, mayor of Boston
|
|
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
|
|
"God is Dead" -Nietzsche
"Nietzsche is Dead" -God
"Nietzsche is God" -The Dead
|
|
To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question... or is it?
|
|
Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
|
|
I eat with chopsticks about as well as I knit with a fork.
|
|
Knowledge is what you get when you read the manual.
Experience is what you get when you don't.
|
|
"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough."
-Mario Andretti
|
|
In southern California, on a day with light smog, UCLA.
|
|
In Miami they must have created a new basketball team. Residents were heard
to remark, "It's not The Heat that's so bad, it's The Humidity."
|
|
To predict weather in Seattle: If you can see Mt Ranier, it's going to rain.
If you cannot see Mt Ranier, it already is raining.
|
|
The dedicated weatherman, after breaking both arms and both legs, called
from the hospital to report on the four casts.
|
|
A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.
|
|
There are more chickens than people in the world.
|
|
The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
|
|
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or
purple.
|
|
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
|
|
In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
|
|
"Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
|
|
The most consecutive consonants in an English word is 6, such as in
"catchphrase".
|
|
The most consecutive vowels in an English word is 4, such as in "queued".
|
|
The English word with the most consecutive double letters is 3 such as in
"bookkeeper".
|
|
Carpel Tunnel Vision Syndrome: A condition characterized by sore fingers and
wrists caused by failing to look around enough to find a more concise way of
coding your design.
|
|
Isn't a smoking section in a restaurant like a peeing section in a pool?
|
|
If a pig loses its voice, has it become disgruntled?
|
|
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two
cents in, where did the other penny come from?
|
|
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
|
|
Why is one who cycles a cyclist but one who races not a racist?
|
|
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
|
|
"I do." is the shortest complete sentence in the english language, perhaps
also the longest.
|
|
If clergymen are defrocked and immigrants deported, doesn't it follow that
electricians are delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
deposed, dry cleaners depressed, programmers decoded, teachers degraded, and
politicians devoted?
|
|
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
|
|
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
|
|
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
|
|
Q: What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A: I don't know and I don't care.
|
|
The most double letters in an English word is 4, such as in
"possessionlessness".
|
|
The shortest English words containing each vowel once is 7 letters, such as
in "sequoia".
|
|
The shortest English words containing all vowels in order is 8 letters,
"caesious".
|
|
The shortest English words containing all vowels in order is 11 letters,
"facetiously".
|
|
The longest English word containing only one vowel is "strengths".
|
|
The longest English word that can be typed using only the right hand is
"polyphony".
|
|
111111111 x 111111111 = 12345678987654321
|
|
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
|
|
Birthdays are good for you; the more you have the longer you live.
|
|
Those who are late are often jollier than those who have to wait for them.
|
|
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, why is nothing in the store free
yet?
|
|
Farmer Bill Dies in House
|
|
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
|
|
What's another word for `thesaurus`?
How about another word for 'synonym'?
|
|
To eat road kill, crows must have a ravenous appetite.
|
|
I am a closet claustrophobic.
|
|
Take my advice; I don't use it anyway.
|
|
aibohphobia - The fear of palindromes.
|
|
If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.
|
|
Census figures show that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.
|
|
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made
with real lemons?
|
|
Why is the third hand on a clock called the second hand?
|
|
Why is a boxing ring square?
|
|
Why does quicksand work slowly?
|
|
Guinea pigs are not pigs and they do not come from Guinea?
|
|
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
|
|
You're unique, just like everyone else.
|
|
The most common first name in the world is Mohammed. The most common last
name is Chang. Oddly, the name Mohammed Chang is quite rare.
|
|
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
|
|
Time may be a great healer but it's a lousy beautician.
|
|
What is right is not always popular and what is popular is not always right.
|
|
I'd kill for a Nobel peace prize.
|
|
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
|
|
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
|
|
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
|
|
"The nice thing about meditation is that it makes doing nothing quite
respectable." -Paul Dean
|
|
I used to be indecisive but now I'm not sure.
|
|
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects
|
|
"Sacred cows make the best hamburger." -Mark Twain
|
|
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going
somewhere." -Groucho Marx
|
|
A recession is what takes the wind out of your sales.
|
|
"Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded." -Groucho Marx
|
|
"Half of the American people have never read a newspaper. Half never voted
for President. One hopes it is the same half." -Gore Vidal
|
|
"True friends stab you in the front." -Oscar Wilde
|
|
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
|
|
If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.
|
|
"Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window." -Steve Wozniak
|
|
"The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer."
-Henry Kissinger
|
|
"I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is, I
could be just as proud for half the money." -Arthur Godfrey
|
|
If your nose runs and your feet smell then you were built upside down.
|
|
Man is the master of his silences, and the slave of his words.
|
|
It's better to remain silent and thought a fool than to open your mouth and
remove all doubt.
|
|
"The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the
intelligent are full of doubt." -Bertrand Russell
|
|
The word 'verb' is a noun.
|
|
In Chinese, the word for crisis and opportunity are the same.
|
|
Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without
repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?
|
|
Why isn't monosyllabic?
|
|
Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?
|
|
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
|
|
Why do we recite at a play and play at a recital?
|
|
Why do they call them fingers? I've never seen them fing.
|
|
The buck doesn't even slow down here.
|
|
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
|
|
I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.
|
|
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
|
|
Cole's law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
|
|
As long as there are tests there will be prayer in public schools.
|
|
Eschew obfuscation.
|
|
Recursive Definition: See Recursive Definition
|
|
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
|
|
We do precision guesswork.
|
|
Anything is possible for those who don't have to do it.
|
|
No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.
|
|
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
|
|
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
|
|
I doubt, therefore I might be.
|
|
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
|
|
Clones are people two.
|
|
I'm planning on being spontaneous next week.
|
|
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
|
|
A.A.A.A.A. - An organization to stop drunk driving.
|
|
If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.
|
|
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
|
|
After Detour To California Shuttle Returns To Earth
|
|
Study Reveals Those Without Insurance Die More Often
|
|
Man Found Dead In Cemetery
|
|
Hospitals Sued by Seven Foot Doctors
|
|
Marijuana Issue Sent To A Joint Committee
|
|
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
|
|
All generalizations are incorrect.
|
|
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
|
|
If you were to spread out all the sand in North Africa, it would cover the
entire Sahara Desert.
|
|
I don't know if I dream in color or if it's just a pigment of my imagination.
|
|
If a synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest?
|
|
A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.
|
|
A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.
|
|
An unemployed jester is no one's fool.
|
|
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
|
|
I've had amnesia for as long as I can remember.
|
|
Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.
|
|
They took the word gullible out of the dictionary.
|
|
Do not phrase statements in the negative.
|
|
Friction is such a drag.
|
|
Hypochondria is the only disease that I don't have.
|
|
I bet you I could stop gambling.
|
|
In order to get what you want out of life, you must decide what you want in
life.
|
|
"You only live once, but if you work it right, once is enough." -Joe Lewis
|
|
"I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with
them." -George Bush
|
|
"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system!"
-Dan Quayle, on the concept of a manned mission to Mars
|
|
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
people." -Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC instructor
|
|
"Things are more like they are now than they have ever been." -Gerald Ford
|
|
"Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is
something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy." -Albert Einstein
|
|
It is impossible to move your right foot in clockwise circles while writing
the number 6 with your right hand.
|
|
Why is there no egg in eggplant, no ham in hamburger, and neither apple nor
pine in pineapple?
|
|
English muffins weren't invented in England, nor were french fries invented
in France.
|
|
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads are neither sweet nor bread, they
are meat.
|
|
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
what do you call it?
|
|
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
|
|
Why is it that when your house burns up, it burns down?
|
|
Why do you fill out a form by filling it in?
|
|
Why is it that when the stars are out they are visible but when the lights
are out they are invisible?
|
|
"You know the world is going crazy when the top rapper is a white guy, the
best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss
hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany
doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are
named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'." -Chris Rock
|
|
"I never saw so many well-dressed, well-fed, business-looking Bohemians in
my life." -Oscar Wilde, in 1882, about the San Francisco Bohemian Club
|
|
"The Bay Area is so beautiful, I hesitate to preach about heaven while I'm
here." -Billy Graham
|
|
If you've seen one row of franchised specialty stores, you've seen the mall.
|
|
Ma maman m'aime
|
|
un chasseur sachant chasser sait chasser sans son chien
|
|
ces cerises sont si sures qu'on ne sait si c'en sont
|
|
Wisdom is like a river. The deeper it is the less noise it makes.
|
|
To teach is to learn twice
|
|
Price is what you pay, value is what you get
|
|
There are 10 kinds of people: those who understand binary and those who
don't
|
|
Why does night fall but day breaks?
|
|
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
|
|
Homophobia is so gay
|
|
Rehab is for quitters
|
|
Where there's a will
I want to be in it
|
|
Smile.
It's the second best thing that you can do with your lips.
|
|
Dyslexics of the world untie
|
|
"It is better to be looked over than overlooked" - Mae West
|
|
"The obscure we always see sooner or later; the obvious always seems to take
a little longer." -Edward R. Murrow
|
|
"Who controls the past controls the future; who controls the present
controls the past." -George Orwell
|
|
"The law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich as well as the poor to
sleep under bridges, to beg in the streets and to steal bread."
-Anatole France, 1894
|
|
"The plural of the word ‘anecdote’ is not ‘data.’" -Larry Bensky
|
|
"Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of
the improbable." -H.L. Mencken
|
|
None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are
free
|
|
Fighting crime by building more jails is like fighting cancer by building
more cemeteries
|
|
"Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false,
and by the rulers as useful." -Lucius Annaeus Seneca
|
|
"Propaganda is to democracy what violence is to totalitarianism."
-Noam Chomsky
|
|
I am a self-made man and worship my creator
|
|
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
-Winston Churchill
|
|
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
-Irvin S. Cobb
|
|
"He has every attribute of a dog except loyalty." -Thomas P. Gore
|
|
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading
it." -Moses Hadas
|
|
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary." -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
-Ernest Hemingway
|
|
"He had delusions of adequacy."
-Walter Kerr
|
|
"I never forget a face but in your case I'll make an exception."
-Groucho Marx
|
|
"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed
with laughter. Some day I intend reading it." -Groucho Marx
|
|
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." -Forrest Tucker
|
|
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
-Oscar Wilde
|
|
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." -Billy Wilder
|
|
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.
|
|
cubicle: a padded cell without a door
|
|
Adults are just kids who owe money
|
|
I plead contemporary insanity
|
|
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks
|
|
I started out with nothing and still have most of it left
|
|
Windows XP: 32-bit graphics and extensions for a 16-bit shell on an 8-bit OS
originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor by a 2-bit company that can't
stand 1-bit of competition
|
|
Micro-soft: Small - limp
|
|
Dogs crawl under gates, programs crawl under windows
|
|
If you use a ray gun you will go to prism
|
|
I'm a born again reincarnationist
|
|
"I'm disinclined to acquiesce to your request" means "no"
|
|
If you can read this, thank a teacher.
|
|
Filthy, Stinking Rich - Well, two out of three isn't bad
|
|
A closed mouth gathers no feet
|
|
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be
|
|
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
|
|
"Stressed" spelled backwards is "desserts"
|
|
Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came, I saw, I purchased
|
|
Is it kistomary to cuss the bride?
|
|
On a diaper service truck: "Rock a dry baby."
|
|
On a plumber's truck: "A royal flush beats a full house."
|
|
At the tire store: "We skid you not!"
|
|
Archeologist: One whose career lies in ruins.
|
|
Diplomat: One who is disarming, even if his country isn't.
|
|
Hangover: The wrath of grapes.
|
|
Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words.
|
|
Psychologist: One who pulls habits out of rats.
|
|
I would be a ballet dancer, but it is too-too difficult.
|
|
I would be a butler, but that work isn't my cup of tea.
|
|
I used to be a carpenter, but then I got bored.
|
|
I would work for H&R Block, but the job is just too taxing.
|
|
I could be a part-time hairdresser, but I am looking for something more permanent.
|
|
I used to work for the timber company, but then I got the axe.
|
|
I studied to be a transplant surgeon, but my heart just wasn't in it.
|
|
I worked for Victoria's Secret until they gave me a pink slip.
|
|
"I only have diamonds, clubs, and spades." Tom said heartlessly.
|
|
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Excuse me, where is the bar tender?"
|
|
How is a raven like a writing desk?
|
|
The world is full of givers and takers; the takers may eat better, but the
givers sleep better
|
|
You must lose a fly to catch a trout
|
|
Only the mediocre are always at their best
|
|
Never cut what you can untie
|
|
Why was I born with such contemporaries?
|
|
Common sense is not so common
|
|
Minds are like parachutes - they only function when open
|
|
Question everything
|
|
"Freedom of the press is limited to those who own one" -A.J. Liebling
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"Wanna be under a dictatorial rule, have a kid, pal!"
-Santhosh Kumar Prabhakaran
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Scientists have discovered what's wrong with the male brain:
On the left side there is nothing right and
on the right side there is nothing left
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I put the "sexy" in dyslexia.
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Redundant Firefighters Fight Firings
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"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
-Abraham Lincoln
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"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
-Robert Redford
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"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
-Charles, Count Talleyrand
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He was as tall as a six-foot-four-inch tree
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The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling
ball wouldn't
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The plan is simple, like my brother-in-law Larry. But unlike Larry, this
plan just might work
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"Theology is the effort to explain the unknowable in terms of the not worth
knowing." -H. L. Mencken
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"Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under."
-H. L. Mencken
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"The trouble with Communism is the Communists, just as the trouble with
Christianity is the Christians." -H. L. Mencken
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"Democracy is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses." -H. L. Mencken
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"We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to
the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his
children smart." -H. L. Mencken
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"It is the fundamental theory of all the more recent American law that the
average citizen is half-witted, and hence not to be trusted to either his
own devices or his own thoughts." -H. L. Mencken
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"A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears
to the ground." -H. L. Mencken
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"Demagogue: One who preaches doctrines he knows to be untrue to men he knows
to be idiots." -H. L. Mencken
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"Immorality: The morality of those who are having a better time."
-H. L. Mencken
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Morality is relative
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Can you cry under water?
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How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?
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How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
good idea to put wheels on luggage?
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Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up
like every two hours?
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If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
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Why do we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss
America?
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If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off
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I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect
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Never test the depth of the water with both feet
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If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably
worth it.
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I always tell the truth. That way I have less to remember.
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Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
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Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty, and the pig likes it.
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